A Wedding to Die For
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker finally proposes to Harley Quinn, and she has a week to sort out the perfect wedding. Naturally, nothing goes right. Will Harley's dreams of becoming Mrs. J ever come true?
1. Chapter 1

**A Wedding to Die For**

"Harley, get down!" shouted the Joker, leaping at Harley Quinn and knocking her to the ground just in time. A hail of bullets impacted right where she had been standing. "You nearly got yourself killed, you dumb blonde!" he shouted as he climbed off her and crouched behind the safety of the group of boxes. He fired back at the men attacking them as Harley selected a grenade and pulled the pin, throwing it out into the warehouse.

"Thanks for saving me, Mr. J," she said, beaming at him. "It's nice to know you care."

"_I _don't care," he retorted. "But you would have cared, because you would have been dead!"

"That don't make no sense, Mr. J," she retorted, covering her ears as the grenade exploded. "I'd be dead, so I wouldn't care about anything anymore. Anyway, you would care, because you'd be lost without me."

"Don't flatter yourself, toots," he growled, firing his gun until it was empty. "I don't need you around. I managed fine without you for a long time, and I'm sure I'll manage fine again if you ever got shot in the face. Now hand me some bullets."

"Doncha know where they are, Mr. J?" she asked.

"Of course I do!" he shouted. "I just don't wanna have to go through your purse to find them!"

"They're in your jacket pocket, Mr. J," she replied, smiling.

"I know that, you stupid girl!" he shouted. "But I want you to hand them to me!"

Harley smiled again as she reached inside his jacket and pulled out the box of bullets. "Here you go, puddin'," she murmured, kissing his cheek.

He growled and reloaded, kneeling behind the boxes and firing out into the warehouse again. Harley watched him shoot a few men and slowly slid her arms around his neck. "Do you know how much I love you, puddin'?" she whispered, nibbling on his ear.

"Now is not the time, Harley," he retorted.

"Aw, but you know how much I enjoy watching you hurt people, Mr. J," she whispered. "You know how much it really revs me up."

"Harley, not now!" he shouted, shoving her away. "I'm trying to kill people here!"

Harley grew suddenly angry. "I was trying to be affectionate, you jerk!" she shouted, smacking him across the back of the head. "Jesus, some days I think you just don't love me at all!"

In response, Joker whirled around and punched her in the face. "Now pipe down, will ya?" he shouted, returning to the battle. "I'm trying to concentrate!"

"Yeah, you're always preoccupied with something!" shouted Harley, seizing the machine gun and spraying bullets out into the fray. "It's never the right time for you, is it, Mr. J?" she demanded as she fired indiscriminately into the crowd. "You always put me second to everything, the Bat, your schemes, even these losers! What do I gotta do to get your attention, huh? Die?"

"We'll talk about this later, cupcake," he muttered, throwing another grenade.

"We'll talk about it now!" she shrieked as it exploded. "You never want to talk about us! How you feel about me, where you think our relationship is heading, where you see us in five years, that kinda thing that other, normal couples talk about!"

"You wanna be like other, normal couples?!" he demanded. "You wanna be boring, Harley?!"

One of the enemy henchman appeared in front of them and Joker shot him in the face. "Might make a nice change!" shouted Harley. "People trying to kill me all the time sometimes gets a little old!"

"Thought you loved it, baby," he retorted, shoving her down as bullets sprayed the air above them again.

"I do love it," she retorted, sitting back up and returning fire. "Only sometimes I just wish my life had some form of stability! Because right now the most stable thing in it is our relationship, and that's kinda sad, Mr. J!"

"I wouldn't call our relationship unstable, pooh," he retorted, leaping back as a grenade impacted to the right of him.

"There's no formal commitment, Mr. J," she retorted. "No legal foundation for our stability."

"And when did you ever care about legal formalities?" he demanded. "We steal everything we own!"

"That's different!" she shouted. "That ain't about us as a couple! _We're_ important to me, Mr. J, and I just wish sometimes _we_ could be given the importance we deserve by you. That you would put as much time and effort into us as you do into everything else!"

Another henchman had approached them and Harley got this one, shooting him between the eyes. A grenade came flying at them, impacting behind them as Joker shoved Harley down again. "You done, you dumb broad?!" he shouted, firing back out into the fray. "You're always nagging! Don't know what I've done to deserve a useless, demanding, needy, pushy dame clinging to me all the damn time! Jesus, Harley, you already weigh me down enough to be my goddamn wife or something! Why don't you just marry me, for Christ's sake?!"

Harley stared at him. "Are you asking me?" she murmured. "Here, now, like this?"

"I just did, didn't I?!" he shouted. "You deaf and stupid?!"

She gaped at him in astonishment, then her eyes narrowed. "No, you ain't!" she shrieked. "You're going to do this properly, just like I've always imagined! You get down on your knees!"

"I'm already on my knees!" he shouted, ducking behind the boxes as the other side returned fire.

"Facing me, you idiot!" she shrieked.

"If you don't want us both to die, Harley…"

"You wanna marry me or not?!" she demanded.

He gave a roar of rage, threw another grenade out into the warehouse, then turned around to face her. "Right, what the hell do I have to do?" he demanded.

"Say something pretty," she said. "Some nice little speech about how your life has changed since you met me, and how much I mean to you, and how wonderful I am and how you want to spend the rest of your life with me."

"There's a sniper behind you, Harley. Duck," said Joker.

"That ain't prett…"

Joker whipped out his gun and shot the sniper. "Geez, something pretty…ok…um…I like…the way you do what I tell you. You're great at following orders, baby, the best henchwench a guy could ask for."

"Henchwench ain't a pretty word, Mr. J," snapped Harley. "Something really nice. That you like about me. As a person."

"I like…"

A henchman approached her from behind and Harley suddenly whirled around, firing a round of bullets into his face. "Stop spoiling the romantic mood, jerks!" she shrieked to the room at large. "This is the most important moment of my life, and nobody is going to ruin it for me!"

"I like the way you commit murder, sweets," he murmured, sincerely, his eyes alight. "I like the way you're deranged and psychotic and homicidal. I like the way you shoot guys, or stab them, or beat them into a pulp just for kicks. And I like the way you smile and laugh when you do it, just like your Daddy. Daddy's so proud of the way his little girl has turned out. She's just the best and the most brutal, the most devoted and most dangerous baby a guy could ask for."

"Oh…Mr. J…" she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "And now you can…ask me the question and…and show me the ring."

"Ring? Oh yeah, gotta have one around here somewhere," he said, feeling his pockets. "Here we are!" he exclaimed, pulling out a grenade. He took out the pin, threw the grenade out into the warehouse, then held out the pin to Harley. "Harley Quinn, will you make me the happiest clown in the world, put the biggest smile on my face, and marry me?" he asked her.

"Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped, as he slid the pin onto her finger. "Oh, Mr. J! Yes! Yes, of course I will, puddin'!" she exclaimed, leaping into his arms.

A henchman appeared in front of them and they simultaneously pulled out their guns and shot him together. They gazed lovingly into each other's eyes and kissed.

"Hear that, boys?! I'm getting married!" shrieked Harley, giggling. But she suddenly realized that the gunfire had stopped, and peered over the boxes. "Oh. Looks like we killed 'em all, Mr. J," she said.

"Saves us adding them to the guest list!" chuckled Joker. "This really will be a wedding to die for, pooh! Maybe they were just ahead of the game!"

"Oh, Mr. J, I love you," she whispered, kissing him.

"And I love you, Mrs. J," he replied, grinning.

"Mrs. J," she breathed. "Oh God, puddin', I'm gonna be Mrs. J! I'm gonna be your wife! The Joker's wife! Mrs. Harley Q. Joker." She made a face. "That don't sound too nice, actually. I prefer Mrs. Harley J. I need to practice writing that, not that I haven't lots of times before. But I never thought…I never really thought that you'd…"

He put a hand to her mouth, then handed her a knife. "Practice writing it, baby," he whispered, kissing her.

"All done, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, once the warehouse was covered from floor to ceiling in grafitti written in blood and spelling out _Mrs. Harley J_, _Mr. and Mrs. J, Harley and Joker are getting married, save the date_, etc.

"Great job, Harley J," he said, kissing her cheek. "Now c'mon, kiddo, we can't lollygag around here all day! We've got a wedding to plan!"

"Oh, I've got it all planned out, Mr. J," she replied. "Had it planned for a long time. But you're right – there's so much to do! And all in a week!"

"Why the rush, kid?" he asked.

"Because I've waited long enough and I don't wanna wait any longer than I have to!" retorted Harley. "I wanna be Mrs. J as soon as possible, but I still wanna have all the important wedding stuff, nice dress and pretty church and flowers and cake and all that jazz. I'm sure they'll be able to do all that in a week. Y'know, if I threaten them."

"I'll leave it all to you then, m'dear," he said, kissing her cheek again.

"You gotta sort out your best man, Mr. J," she replied.

"Don't worry, pooh, I've got a very special person in mind," he replied, grinning. "And he'd die before he missed the most important day of my life. He'll do it, even if I have to bind and gag him and drag him there with my bare hands."

"Just make sure Bats don't somehow escape and ruin the wedding, won't you, puddin'?" she asked as they left the building, hand in hand. "I don't want him shouting out 'I object' or beating up the guests or anything."

"I'm sure he'll be on his best behavior, pumpkin pie," he replied, grinning. "Not even Bats can be gloomy at a wedding."

"I wouldn't want to bet on that, puddin'," she said. "Be sure to tell him he can't wear black. It's bad luck."

"Gee, I'm not sure he has anything else," he replied. "But I'm sure he can borrow one of the Boy Blunder's costumes."

"Speaking of which, think we should invite him as Batsy's plus one?" asked Harley.

"Now pooh, I'm sure Bats has a girlfriend or something he'd like to invite as his plus one," said Joker.

She looked at him and he shook his head. "Yeah, you're right. Better set a place for the Boy Blunder. Kinda sad, really. Now that I'm settling down, Bats is probably going to realize how lonely and empty his life really is. I hope he'll be ok. Can you imagine Batsy depressed? I mean, even more depressed than he already is? He'll probably start slitting his wrists or something."

"Maybe we can set him and Selina up at our wedding," suggested Harley. "Y'know, get them both drunk and let their mutual attraction do the work. Drunken romances at weddings usually last, don't they? According to rom coms, they do."

"Speaking of which, why are romantic comedies never funny?" demanded Joker. "You think they would be, since comedy is in the name."

"_I_ think some of them are funny, puddin'," she replied.

"Yeah, well, you don't know what's funny, Harley," he retorted.

"Sure I do," she retorted. "I know you're funny."

"Yeah, but_ you_ ain't funny," he said. "So jokes that you think are funny aren't really."

"Then why do I laugh at yours?" she asked.

"Because I am genuinely funny," he retorted. "But you just laugh at whatever because you can't tell the difference, you dumb blonde."

"Aw, it's so cute that we argue just like an old married couple already!" sighed Harley. "God, I love you, Mr. J! It's gonna be a helluva week!"


	2. Chapter 2

"…and then, Red, he got down on his knees in the middle of the gunfight and held out the grenade pin to me and asked me if I would make him the happiest clown on earth!" sighed Harley. "It was the most romantic thing he's ever done!"

"That doesn't sound too hard," retorted Poison Ivy, coldly. "Wasn't the last romantic thing he did pushing you out of a window?"

"You always have to bring that up," snapped Harley. "For the last time, I deserved it! Why can't you just be happy for me, huh, Red? I'm getting married! At last, at long last, I'm gonna be Mrs. J! It's all I've dreamed about for ages!"

"I won't comment on how pathetic it is that your ultimate ambition in life is being legally chained to the clown," retorted Ivy. "Except to say that there are generations of feminists who fought for your right to have actual ambitions and who are now rolling in their graves."

"Well, clearly they never had a man as loving and loyal as puddin' in their lives," retorted Harley. "He's such a special guy, a gal can't help surrendering herself heart and soul to him. Anyway, I already did the whole career woman thing, and it turned out it wasn't for me. I could devote my life to making money, or to making puddin' happy. It's not a difficult choice when you think about it."

"I see it more as a choice between degrading yourself as his punching bag and slave, or finding some sort of independence and self-respect," retorted Ivy. "And you've chosen the former. I can't say I'm surprised – only disappointed."

"Congratulations, Harley," said Selina Kyle, trying to break the tension between the two friends. "I'm sure we're both happy that you're happy."

"Yeah, you think a true friend would be," retorted Harley, glaring at Ivy. "After all, you never thought he would propose, did you, Red? You were wrong about that, weren't you? Couldn't you be wrong about a few other things?"

"Do you think anything is going to change after your marriage?" demanded Ivy. "Do you think he's suddenly going to become the perfect man, the ideal husband, father material? Are you really that naïve, Harley?"

"No," she retorted. "I don't expect things to change, and I don't want them to. I know you don't get it, Red, but me and Mr. J are happy together. Our relationship works for us, despite what other people think of it. I don't think anything is going to be different because of this. It's just a formality – proof of how much he loves me. It's a sweet gesture. Why can't you just accept that?"

"Because he's not a sweet man, Harley," she retorted. "I don't know what game he's playing now, what joke he's setting up, but it is a joke, I promise you, and it's going to end in you getting hurt, as usual."

"Thanks for your concern, Red, but I'm a big girl and I can look after myself," retorted Harley. "In fact, of the two of us, I'm the one capable of holding down a long-term relationship, which probably makes me more grown up than you."

"Let me tell you something about your so-called relationship…" began Ivy, but Selina interrupted.

"Drop it, Ivy. Let's leave this discussion for when there's just the two of us, and we've had a little more alcohol in our systems."

Ivy glared at Harley, but was silent. Harley glared back, then reached into her purse. "I just wanted to give you both the invitations," she said, handing them a couple of envelopes. "And to to ask if you wanted to be my bridesmaids."

"Harley, that's so nice of you…" began Selina.

"Are you outta your mind?!" shouted Ivy. "You expect me to just stand there next to you and smile while you bind yourself to that scum for the rest of your life?! Stand there and support you, as if I'm in some sort of agreement with this joke of a wedding?! Stand there and do nothing while I watch the clown take you in and break your heart again?!"

"It's meant to be an honor to be asked, jerk!" shouted Harley. "You're supposed to be happy and flattered and overjoyed that out of all my friends I pick you two!"

"We're the only friends you've got!" shouted Ivy. "And you know why that is, Harley?! It's because you always put this ridiculous relationship first, always sacrifice your friendships for that damn clown, just like you do everything else! If Selina and I don't accept, who else are you gonna ask, huh? Can you think of anyone?"

"I got lots of friends, Red," sniffed Harley. "Lots of real friends."

"Name two," retorted Ivy.

"I don't have to!" snapped Harley. "I'm asking you two, because I thought you might want to do this for me on my special day! I thought you might enjoy it! And I thought you might want to wear the pretty bridesmaid dresses I've designed especially for you!"

"You think you can bribe us with…"

"Hold on, Ivy," interrupted Selina, taking the sketches Harley held out to her. Her eyes lit up. "These are beautiful," she breathed.

"Yeah, I spent a lot of time on them," retorted Harley. "Designed with you two in mind."

Ivy took hers and studied it. "They're green?" she asked.

"Yeah. The wedding colors are green and purple."

"Why am I not surprised he's chosen the colors?" muttered Ivy.

"The green was for you! I designed it before Mr. J decided on the colors. In fact, I suggested those to him, so you wouldn't have to wear another color. So much for always putting my friends second, you ungrateful jerk!"

"Yes, fine," snapped Ivy. "We'll be bridesmaids. But I'm only doing it for the dress."

"This is next week!" said Selina, surprised, as she opened the invitation.

"Then we'd better get shopping, huh?" asked Harley, standing up. "I've got a list – we need to see the dressmaker first, then the caterers, then select a venue, and find someone to marry us, and a photographer, and someone to make the cake. Oh, and we can't forget the rings."

"Isn't J helping at all?" asked Selina.

Ivy snorted. "It's J, so obviously not."

"I told him I wanted to do all the organizing," growled Harley. "I want to have complete control over our day so it all goes according to plan. It's gonna be absolutely perfect, the most magical wedding anyone has ever seen. A day we'll remember forever and ever, a day we'll tell our grandchildren about as we grow old together, Mr. and Mrs. J. The Jokers. The…"

"Like you say, Harley, we'd better get shopping," interrupted Selina. "Dressmaker first, you said?"

"You two don't have to come if you don't wanna, I just thought it might be fun for the girls to go shopping together," said Harley. "It's the last time we'll all be able to do this as single ladies."

"Speaking of which, can I organize the bachelorette party?" asked Selina.

"Sure, if you want," she replied. "Nothing too risque now, Selina – I don't wanna do anything too dirty the night before my wedding. Saving all that for the night after. And man, is it gonna be hot. We're talking whipped cream and whoopie cushion type hot."

"And with that not at all disgusting thought, can we get moving?" demanded Ivy.

"Red, I wanted to ask you about my flowers," said Harley on the drive. "I know you're gonna be upset, but I'm gonna have a bouquet, I was thinking purple orchids, I'm torn between that and lilacs. But I thought maybe you could sort out some live plants for the venue, y'know, so I wouldn't have to kill more flowers. Maybe have some of your vines clinging to the walls and stuff, what do you think?"

"I think you probably don't wanna give me vines at an occasion when I'll be incredibly tempted to choke the life out of the Joker," retorted Ivy.

Harley was silent. "Listen to me, Ivy," she said, quietly. "I had reservations about inviting you to my wedding, let alone asking you to be my bridesmaid. But in the end I figured I couldn't not invite my best friend. But let me warn you right now, if you ruin this day for me, if you try anything like that, it's over between us. You are my best friend, but you do not interfere in my relationship. It's none of your business. It's nobody's business but mine and Mr. J's. This is my only warning. We've been through a lot together, but there's a line you don't cross, a line I will never forgive you for crossing. I don't want to be your enemy, but I will be, and an incredibly determined one, if you mess with my day in any way. You get me?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," growled Ivy. Harley looked serious, but Ivy knew by now that she never stayed mad at anyone very long. The idea that they could become enemies was inconceivable. And didn't deter Ivy from making her own, private plans for the wedding.


	3. Chapter 3

"May I help you?" asked the clerk as Harley, Ivy, and Selina entered the jewelry shop.

"Yeah, hi," said Harley, striding up to the counter. "I'm getting married next week and I need a ring."

"Very good, madam," replied the clerk. "Will you be pairing it with your engagement ring?"

Harley looked down at the grenade pin. "Yeah, but I don't think you'll have anything that'll match."

The clerk looked at it. "We'll see what we can do," he said, heading for the back room.

Ivy and Selina were perusing the rings in the cases. "Harley, what about this one?" asked Ivy, beckoning her over.

Harley looked at it and made a face. "Bit plain for me, Red. I want a nice big diamond one."

"C'mon, Harley, it wouldn't hurt to be tasteful," replied Ivy. "For once."

"Look, I'm in charge of this wedding, Red, and I want a big diamond ring!"

"Well, I think a nice plain one would suit you better," replied Ivy.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley. "Don't you think I deserve a little sparkle and glamor, huh?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I just…"

"What are you staring at, buddy?" shouted Harley, whirling around to face a young man who had been gaping at them. "Ain't you never seen people argue before?"

"Oh…yeah…sorry, didn't mean to interrupt," said the young man, hastily. "Just thought maybe I could…y'know…get a photo of you two," he said, holding up his camera.

Harley's face changed from angry to beaming in an instant. "Aw, Red, he recognizes us!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together in excitement. "It's so nice to be notorious!"

"Didn't want a photo of me," muttered Selina under her breath. "That's the problem with a secret identity, I guess. Although I think anyone would be happy with a picture of Selina Kyle, rich and beautiful Gotham socialite."

"C'mon, Red, big smiles!" said Harley, embracing her and smiling for the camera.

"So, when's the wedding?" asked the man, snapping the picture.

"Next week," replied Harley. "At long last!"

"Yeah, it did take a long time for it to happen," agreed the man. "Is it a civil ceremony?"

"No, it's in a church," said Harley, puzzled. "I'm a good religious girl like that."

"Well, gee, won't that be a little awkward?" asked the man.

"I don't see why," replied Harley. "Sure, we've been responsible for a few murders, but uniting hearts in love ain't a crime, is it?"

"No, not at all," replied the man. "I just thought the church might not be happy with same sex marriages."

Harley stared at him. "Who…do you think I'm marrying?" she asked slowly.

"Well, her," replied the man, nodding at Ivy. "Aren't you?"

They both gaped at him. "You do know who we are, right?" asked Harley. "Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy?"

"Well…yeah," replied the man. "I've read all about you on the internet. You two are a couple, right?"

Harley grew suddenly furious. "Now get this straight, buster, I don't know what you've heard about me, but I'm the Joker's girl and no one else's! Red and me may be best friends, but that don't mean anything funny is going on, despite what you think about when you're alone in front of your computer screen! You get your mind outta the gutter right now before I shoot you in the head and dump your body in the gutter! Now beat it!"

The man rushed out of the shop. Harley turned to Ivy and shrugged. "Lots of crap gets made up on the internet. See, this is why Mr. J needs to marry me, so these stupid rumors can stop."

"If you'd like to view these, madam," said the clerk, returning with a selection of rings.

"Aw, these are all beautiful!" exclaimed Harley. "I can't decide! Puddin' needs to be here for this! Red, take a look at these and tell me what you think. I'm just going to call my fiance," she said, beaming.

"Hi, puddin'," she breathed as he picked up the phone. "Just picking out our wedding rings and I could really use your help if you're not busy. What's that screaming? How long will it take? Well, how much longer do you think he'll hold out? If you use the thumbscrews he'll talk quicker. No, puddin', I'm not telling you how to do your job! I just thought…puddin'? Puddin'? Sweetie? Baby? Mr. J? Was that his face you were pounding the phone against? Aw, glad it did the trick! Nice to think I helped! See you in five? Kay. Love you, my gorgeous fiance!"

She giggled as she hung up the phone. "He'll be here shortly. Just finishing up some business."

About five minutes later, the Joker strolled into the shop, covered in blood. "There's my little Mrs. J-to-be!" he exclaimed, holding out his arms to Harley.

She squeaked and rushed to embrace him. "Kitty, Pammie, good to see you both again," he said to Selina and Ivy, grinning. "And sorry to disappoint you by taking myself off the market. I'm going to be a married man soon, so I'm afraid you've lost your chance with me."

"There is scum lying on the bottom of swamps in the Everglades I would rather date," growled Ivy.

"Oh, I believe that, from what I hear about you and plants!" laughed Joker. "Anyway, don't pretend you're not curious about what attracts Harley to me physically. Why do you think I'm always so happy?" he added, grinning.

"There are some things I don't care to imagine, you disgusting creep," muttered Ivy.

"It's so easy to get your roots in a twist, Pammie!" chuckled Joker. "Kitty is so much harder to get – not much yanks your tail, does it, Puss? Well, except Batsy, who, I might have mentioned, is going to be my best man."

"Batman's agreed to this, has he?" asked Selina, skeptically.

"No, no, haven't asked him yet!" laughed Joker. "But I know he'll say yes! The guy'll do anything for me, y'know."

"Lucky you," retorted Selina.

"Yeah, we've got a special relationship," sighed Joker. "There's just a thing between a guy and his nemesis that…look, just get offa me, Harley," he growled, for ever since he had entered, Harley had her arms wrapped tightly around him and was passionately kissing his face. "It's hard to torment people with you all over me like that, I've told you a hundred times!"

"Sorry, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "But you're just so hot with the blood all over you. It really gets me revving."

"Everything gets you revving, you greedy brat," he snapped. "I'm marrying a goddamn nymphomaniac. Just show me the rings, you needy bitch."

"Over here, puddin'," she said, dragging him over to the counter. "Whaddya think? I like that middle one a lot – I told Red I want a big, sparkly diamond."

"Yeah? You seen the price tag on that one?" he demanded. "You ain't worth that!"

"Whaddya mean I ain't worth that?!" demanded Harley, suddenly furious. "You told me money wasn't an issue!"

"It ain't, but that's a lot of it!" he snapped.

"Not for a ring it ain't!" she retorted. "Not when you compare it to what I already spent on the dress and the cake and the catering!"

"Well, how much did you spend on the dress and the cake and the catering?" he demanded.

"Um…" Harley reached into her bag and pulled out some receipts. She glanced at the totals, then began counting on her fingers, shutting her eyes in concentration. "Carry the 9…um…"

"Just give me those, you dumb blonde!" he snapped, grabbing the receipts off her. He stared at the totals and his eyes popped.

"Jesus Christ, Harley! What are you trying to do, bankrupt me?! This is a goddamn fortune!"

"You don't think our special day is worth a goddamn fortune?!" she shrieked.

"No, not that much of a goddamn fortune!" he shouted. "I wouldn't pay that much to find out Batman's real identity! And you think a stupid ceremony lasting a couple hours is worth all this?!"

"It ain't a stupid ceremony – it's our wedding day, the most magical, perfect day of our lives, and I'm gonna pay whatever it costs to make it perfect!" shouted Harley, bursting into tears. "But you don't care! You don't care about our wedding, and you don't care about me! You selfish jerk!"

And without warning, she punched him in the face. He retaliated swiftly, knocking her into one of the ring cases and shattering glass everywhere. Soon they were in the middle of a fight. Ivy and Selina wondered if they should interfere, but both thought better of it, watching the action from a distance and trying to avoid stray blows.

At last, Harley knocked Joker to the ground and had her foot against his throat before he could get up. "We're getting this ring," she hissed, grabbing the one she wanted.

"Fine," he gasped, glaring at her. "But we ain't paying for it."

"Fine," she retorted, pulling out her gun and shooting the clerk in the face. "Satisfied?"

He chuckled as she released him and helped him to his feet. "You know violence always satisfies me, baby," he giggled.

"Oh, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him passionately. "Oh, I love you, puddin'."

"The feeling's mutual, Mrs. J," he murmured. "Now c'mon, baby, let's go back to these places where you've spent all this money and see if we can't convince them to return my cash and lend their services for free. It's all in a good cause, after all."

"Great idea, puddin'," she murmured, smiling at him. "You guys wanna come?" she asked Ivy and Selina.

"No thanks," they both replied simultaneously.

"I've gotta go organize the bachelorette party," said Selina, quickly.

"And I've gotta help her," chimed in Ivy. "And discuss, y'know, bridesmaids' stuff."

"Aw, you guys are the greatest!" sighed Harley. "I'm a lucky girl, to have two such wonderful friends! And to be marrying my precious, precious puddin'," she whispered, kissing him.

"I'll see you ladies at the wedding!" said Joker, waving as they left. "Call me if you get lonely before then!" he chuckled.

"You got someone arranging your bachelor party, Mr. J?" asked Harley.

"Well, I think Batsy will be a bit busy to do it, pooh," he said, as they got in the car. "But I guess I could ask some of the guys from Arkham. Maybe Harvey or Eddie or someone."

"Tell whoever does it that I don't want you getting a stripper," muttered Harley. "I'm the only gal who strips for you, get it?"

"Of course, pumpkin pie, don't be jealous," he said, kissing her. "And don't you worry. The guys are really civilized – I'm sure it'll be a quiet night in with a couple beers and a game of cards. Maybe watch a baseball game or something. But a nice, calm, relaxing evening, I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't think the blood's ever gonna come out of the carpet, J," murmured Two-Face, flipping his coin as he stared at the floor. "I think we're lucky it hasn't dripped down to the floor below."

"It has," retorted Jonathan Crane, re-entering the room.

Joker shrugged, wiping his knife. "Well, the carpet's completely soaked, what did you expect?"

"It was kinda a sick thing to do, J," said Two-Face, quietly.

"Yes, too much for Jervis and Edward," said Crane, sitting back down. "They appear to have absconded."

Joker shook his head. "Pathetic excuse for supercriminals, those two, I tell ya. Why are you still here, Professor? Didn't figure you had a very strong stomach."

"I am a man interested in the depths of human fear," retorted Crane. "I am accustomed to gruesome and disturbing sights."

"Yeah, so am I," agreed Two-Face. "But seriously…J…that was disgusting."

Joker shrugged again. "I told her I wanted it all taken off. I can't help it that she misunderstood. Anyway, she was a stripper, wasn't she? Isn't it her job to be stripped?"

"I doubt they considered the idea of stripping flesh from bone when they invented the name," retorted Crane.

"Well, if a man can't cut loose at his bachelor party, where can he cut loose?" chuckled Joker. "And I thought it was funny – that's what matters. Stripping the stripper, what a gag! I just kill myself sometimes!"

"And other people," said Crane, dryly, pouring himself a glass of whiskey. "I trust Harley knows what she's letting herself in for."

"Aw, I wouldn't kill my Harley girl," replied Joker, grinning. "Well, not unless she really got on my nerves for some reason. Or, y'know, if it was funny. But she keeps a smile on my face with her little antics. The kid was a gymnast, you know. Really flexible gal, and I don't just mean scheduling wise," he giggled. "And she enjoys a helluva lotta pain."

"Match made in heaven, then," retorted Two-Face, sitting down and pouring himself a drink. "Or, y'know, hell, I guess."

"Why exactly are you marrying her?" asked Crane. "You've never shown any inclination that way before. And I can't help but think it isn't just to make Harley happy."

"Oh, I have my reasons," he replied, grinning. "Not likely to reveal them to you two losers, though, am I? Or at least, not without another drink."

Two-Face handed him a glass. "Well, to the happy couple, Joker and Harley," he said, raising it in a toast. "I must say, I didn't think this day would ever come."

"Yeah, if nothing else, it'll stop the bitch from nagging me," said Joker, draining his glass.

Two-Face looked at him. "Ever been married before, J?" he asked.

"Not that I recall," replied Joker.

"Well, I have. Twice. And let me tell you something, the nagging don't stop after the marriage. It only gets worse, except this time it'll be about kids or something."

"Now there's the stuff of nightmares," muttered Crane, sipping his drink.

"Oh, c'mon, Johnny," said Joker, grinning. "If Batsy has his own little family, why shouldn't we have ours? Speaking of which, have you boys got me a wedding present yet?"

"I got you the stripper, but I guess you didn't enjoy her," said Two-Face, glancing over at the mutilated body in the corner.

"Oh no, Harvey, I really did!" chuckled Joker, giving Two-Face a quick hug. "You are such a great pal! The little minx really excited me, but don't tell Harley – she'd be jealous. She very specifically said no strippers, but the key to a great marriage is to learn how to keep secrets."

"Oscar Wilde said that the one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties," said Crane. "But then he wasn't the happiest of married men."

"You comparing me to some pansy writer?" demanded Joker.

"In the likelihood of you being happy in your marriage? Yes," replied Crane. "Considering you can't even give me a valid reason as to why you're marrying the girl at all."

"Ok, if you really wanna know, it's a joke," retorted Joker.

They both looked at him. "The wedding's a joke?" asked Crane. "You're going to abandon her at the altar or something?"

Joker chuckled. "See, I knew you'd say that. That's what everyone is thinking, that I'll do something like that. Run away at the last moment, break Harley's heart, but that wouldn't be funny, because it's too predictable. That's what everyone is expecting me to do, and good comedy is about doing the unexpected."

"So…you're really going to marry her?" asked Two-Face.

"Oh yes," said Joker, grinning. "And it'll be a blast, I promise you, Harvey. A real blast. A wedding to die for. You won't wanna miss it, believe me. There's a very special guest of honor I'm expecting, which brings me back to the subject of my wedding present. The one thing I really want, the one thing that will bring a smile to my face and make this the best day of my life."

They both stared blankly back at him. "I want Batman to be my best man," he said, simply.

Two-Face laughed. "Great joke, J! You're right, comedy is about the unexpected!"

"Yes, it is," agreed Joker. "And I'm in deadly earnest. I want Bats at my wedding, standing next to me at that altar while Harley walks down the aisle. That'll be a gag no one's expecting, a joke no one's seen coming, and it'll be hilarious. That will make the day perfect."

Two-Face gaped at him. "You're serious? You want Batman at your wedding? You know he'll never come willingly…"

"Of course I know that!" snapped Joker. "I know the guy better than you do, Harv, better than anyone! I didn't say I wanted him there of his own volition! I don't care if he has to be tied and bound to the altar itself! In fact, I'd prefer it!" He laughed. "But one way or another, I want Bats there, with the rings in his hand. Which brings me back again to the subject of my wedding present. I want you two to bring me Batman."

"Hey, I got you the stripper, I'm done!" exclaimed Two-Face, standing up.

"What's wrong, Harvey? Afraid of the Bat?" asked Joker, grinning. "Well, I know ol' Johnny here ain't afraid of anything. The master of fear, that's what I heard, right, Johnny?"

"Well…yes…but…you want us to…kidnap Batman?" stammered Crane.

"If you're too scared, or think you just can't do it…" began Joker.

"I ain't afraid of Batman," growled Two-Face. "But this is a huge thing to ask the night before the wedding, J! It's gonna take a lotta effort!"

"Well, I'm only getting married once, Harvey," replied Joker, grinning. "And I have faith in you. Anyway, two heads are better than one, wouldn't you agree?"

"I haven't agreed to anything!" exclaimed Crane.

"And neither have I!" shouted Two-Face.

"Fine. Ruin my wedding, see if I care," grumbled Joker. "But I'm not the kinda guy to start a joke without the punchline prepared. We'll just have to cancel. Harley will be so disappointed. Probably break her little heart. You wouldn't want to be responsible for anything like that, would you, Johnny? I know the way you feel about Harley..."

"They are purely feelings of fatherly affection," snapped Crane.

"Yeah, I get that," replied Joker, smiling. "Daddy J loves his little girl too. And Harvey, I know you're a good man at heart. You wouldn't want to see poor Harley cry because of you, would you? Because that's what'll happen if you refuse to do this. Or," he said, instantly brightening. "You could give me the coin toss, Harv!"

"J…"

"It's a really big decision, isn't it? Don't you always consult your little coin about those?" pressed Joker. "Go on, Harvey. Let it decide if you catch the Bat or not."

Two-Face growled, but reached into his pocket and pulled out his coin. He flipped it up into the air and caught it in his palm. He looked down and growled again. "C'mon, Crane, we'd better get moving," he muttered, standing up. "We don't have much time."

Crane sighed. "I'm doing this for Harley, not for you," he snapped at Joker.

"And I know she'll really appreciate it, Johnny," replied Joker, grinning. "Maybe give you a kiss at the reception if she gets drunk. I'll do my best to give her lots of champagne."

The phone rang and Joker picked it up. "What?! Oh hi, baby, we were just talking about you! How's your bachelorette night? Uh huh. I see. Yeah, that can happen. Well, whose idea was it to have him come dressed as Batman? Wait, don't tell me, obviously Kitty's. Uh huh. Were you drunk? Uh huh. Lotta blood? Uh huh. Well, the good news is, we can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak!" he giggled. "We've got a body over here we need to get rid of too, so why don't we…a stripper. Yeah, I know you did, pumpkin, but Harvey was the one who…"

He listened to a flurry of shouting, then handed the phone to Two-Face. "She wants to talk to you," he said.

Two-Face rolled his eyes and took the phone. "Hi Har…yes. Yes, I know. Yes. Yes, I'm sorry. Look…yes, sorry. Sorry! How many times do you want me to say sorry, you dumb bitch?!"

"Hey, I'm the only one who gets to talk to her like that!" shouted Joker, seizing the phone back from him. "Sorry about the language, pooh. Aw, don't cry, cupcake! He didn't mean it, sweets, he's just been drinking. You know bad things happen when people drink, don't you, kiddo? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Look, I'll come over there and pick up the body, and we'll dump these two together, how about that? It'll be a nice, sweet thing to do the night before the wedding, and should set the tone for the marriage pretty well, don't you think? That's my girl! See you in a bit, pooh!"

He hung up the phone. "When you find Batsy, be sure to give him these," he said, handing Two-Face the rings. "Make sure he doesn't lose them, now. And if you could help me load the body into the car before you leave, I'd really appreciate it."

"I hope I get time to change before the ceremony tomorrow," growled Two-Face, slamming the trunk shut. "Don't wanna show up covered in blood."

"Harley would enjoy it," replied Joker, grinning. "But I'm sure you'll look your usual handsome self whatever you're wearing, Harv. And thanks for doing this, buddy, you're the greatest!" he exclaimed, hugging him again.

"And Johnny, I owe you," said Joker, turning to him. "You ever need a favor, you let me know. Except if you want me to pimp out Harley or something – I ain't that kinda guy."

"I'm surprised and insulted you think_ I'm_ the kind of guy who would want a woman pimped out to him," retorted Crane, coldly.

"I think in your position, you would take what you could get," chuckled Joker. "I love ya really, Johnny! See you both tomorrow!"

"You're a lucky guy, J," retorted Two-Face as they walked away. "I wouldn't be doing this if the coin said differently!"

"I know I am, Harvey!" Joker laughed until they were out of sight, then opened his hand to reveal a coin with identical good sides, which he had swapped with Two-Face's coin when he had hugged him the first time, and retrieved when he had hugged him the second time. "But, y'know, some guys are born lucky and some guys make their own luck." He chuckled to himself as he flipped the coin into his pocket. He then got in the car and drove off, singing, "_I'm getting married in the morning, ding dong, the bells are gonna chime…_"


	5. Chapter 5

"I said no fish!" screamed Harley at the caterer. "I hate fish! Even the smell of fish, and I won't have it on my wedding day!"

"Given the time constraints, it was all that was available…" began the caterer, meekly.

"I don't care!" she shrieked. "Find something else now! You have six hours until the reception – that's plenty of time! Now get moving!"

The caterer rushed off and Harley sighed, looking around the church as people rushed around putting the finishing touches on the preparations. "At least the decorations look good. And the plants. Thanks for doing that, Red."

"My pleasure, Harley," said Ivy, smiling to herself.

"You and Selina had better go get changed…" began Harley, but her phone rang. "Hello? Yes, hi! No, no, it has to be Niagra Falls. Yeah, tonight. Yeah. Yeah, well that's not really my problem, is it? Just cancel someone else's room. Look pal, do you know who this is?! Harley Quinn, soon to be Mrs. Joker, and you don't want me telling my future husband you were unable to accommodate my request for my honeymoon, do you?! Didn't think so! Yeah, you will work something out. Great. Call me in about two hours with the good news – I'll be married by then. Yeah, thanks. Bye."

She sighed again. "Morons, Red, the lot of 'em. It's a huge headache planning a wedding – glad I only have to do this once."

"Don't be defeatist, Harl," replied Ivy, smiling. "Hope springs eternal that someday you might marry someone who deserves you."

"Can you just shut your mouth for this one day?!" snapped Harley. "It's gonna be beautiful, and everyone is gonna be happy for me, even you! So start smiling, Red, and go get changed!"

Ivy growled and stormed away. Harley looked around, checking off her list. "Flowers, dress, decorations, cake, priest, photographer, groom…"

"Morning, pumpkin pie!" exclaimed Joker, striding into the church dressed in his usual purple suit, but with a brand new flower in the buttonhole.

"Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at him and rushing into his arms. "I had a horrible feeling that you might not show!"

"What, and miss the most wonderful day of my life?" he said, grinning. "Not for the world, pooh bear."

"Oh, Mr. J," murmured Harley, kissing him. "You look just gorgeous, puddin', my handsome fiance, soon to be my handsome…husband…" she sobbed at the word, clapping a hand to her mouth. "Sorry, Mr. J, I'll be crying a lot today!" she sobbed. "I'll just go…go get changed into my…wedding dress!" She burst into tears. "Oh God, I can't really believe this is happening! My dream is finally coming true! Oh, puddin', I love you so much!"

He kissed her. "See you at the altar, baby," he murmured, smiling.

She sobbed again and rushed off. Joker looked around. "Gotta hand it to the kid, she's done a great job setting this all up in such a short space of time," he said to no one in particular. He whistled as he strolled through the church, examining the decorations. "Don't much care for the plants, though, not that I don't trust Pammie," he murmured, glaring at the vines covering the walls. "But then I think she'll be in for a surprise too. I think everyone will!" he chuckled, rubbing his hands together. "Aw, this is gonna be fun, fun, fun!"

"J!" cried Two-Face, bursting into the church with Crane at his heels.

"Hello, Harv, you really didn't get time to change from last night!" said Joker, surprised. "Where's Bat…"

"He ain't here, J!" exclaimed Two-Face. "We did a job last night, Crane and me, blew up an orphanage! Knew Bats couldn't ignore the death of a bunch of kiddies, but he didn't show! The police did, and we heard them talking, saying if only Batman were here, but he's gone to Metropolis for who knows how long! He's visiting the Super Freak! They don't know when he'll be back!"

Joker stared at him. "But…but he has to…he has to be here! It'll spoil everything if he's not! He can't do this to me! He can't miss my wedding day! He just can't!"

"Sorry, J, I dunno what to tell you," replied Two-Face. "I guess one of us can be your best man instead, if you need it?"

"No, no, no, it has to be Batsy!" exclaimed Joker. "Or the joke doesn't work, it's not funny, you see…it's…not…oh, this has ruined everything! And just typical of the bastard! Always spoiling my fun! Always! God, I hate his guts!"

"Then why do you want him as your best man?" asked Crane.

"Because it was going to be funny!" shouted Joker. "But now it's not funny, and the gag is ruined, and all my plans are…I have to talk to Harley," he growled, storming off.

"Scram, cat and weed!" he snarled as he entered the vestibule where Harley, Ivy, and Selina were changing.

"Jesus, J, you could knock first!" shouted Selina, covering herself.

"I would normally make some joke involving you and pussy, Kitty, but I'm really not in the mood," growled Joker. "Just get outta here!"

"We're not dressed, J…" snapped Ivy.

"It's just Harvey out there, and it ain't nothing he hasn't seen before," interrupted Joker. "It probably is something Crane hasn't seen before, but I said I owed him a favor. Now beat it!" He grabbed them each by the arm and threw them out of the room, slamming the door in their faces.

"Puddin', it's bad luck to see me in my dress before the wedding!" exclaimed Harley.

He turned to face her in her wedding dress, and stood gazing at her, stunned for a moment. "Wow, Harl, you look…you look…"

"Yes?" murmured Harley, hopefully.

"We have to call off the wedding," he said, abruptly.

She gaped at him. "What?"

"We have to call off the wedding," he repeated, firmly.

"Mr. J, this is a joke, right?" asked Harley, quietly.

"No, it ain't, and that's the point, pooh!" he said. "It was gonna be a joke, y'see, the greatest gag of my career, but it can't be now, because Bats can't make it! He's away in Metropolis, and I can't get married without him here!"

"You can always find another best man, Mr. J…" she began.

"It ain't about that, sweets," he said. "It's about…" He paused. "C'mere, I'll show you," he said, seizing her arm and dragging her out the back of the room. They went down the steps into the church crypt. "Now close your eyes, pooh, so I can reveal the surprise," he said, reaching into his jacket.

"Oooh, good idea, puddin'!" giggled Harley. "You wanna have one last quick illegitimate playtime before we make it legal, huh?"

"What? No!" he snapped, pulling out a match and lighting it. "Look!"

Harley did look, and saw that the vault of the church was packed full of explosives. "See, the gag was going to be that everyone was here in one place, but most importantly Batsy. And then after we get married, we run out of the church to the wedding march, and I set off the detonator and blow up the building, killing everyone inside! Which means no more Batsy, and no more rivals! Just you and me, Mr. and Mrs. J, and all of Gotham City at our fingertips! It was gonna be a blast, pumpkin, a wedding they'd talk about for ages! But I can't go through with it now, pooh! What's the point of killing everyone if I can't have Bats? The joke's missing its punchline! Do you see?"

Harley gaped at the explosives, then at him. "Put that goddamn match out!" she shrieked, seizing it from him. "You'll blow us both to Chattahoochee, you idiot!"

"I won't be blowing anyone anywhere now!" he shouted, furiously. "I'm really annoyed at Bats for this, I tell ya, Harl! He's ruined everything! He's a selfish creep, and I won't be speaking to him for a while after he gets back, lemme tell you!"

Harley grew suddenly furious. "_He's_ a selfish creep?!" she repeated, her voice growing louder and angrier with each passing word. "You _always_ put him first, Mr. J! Always! Even on our wedding day! And now you're telling me that you were going to use _our_ day, our special day, our perfect day, to set a trap for the Bat?! You're telling me you were gonna blow up the church, with our friends inside it, just to kill Batman?!"

"Of course I was!" he snapped. "I'd sacrifice everything and everyone to kill him!"

"Even me?!" demanded Harley.

"We were both going to be outside the church when it blew, pooh, as I think I explained…"

"I can't believe you were going to do this!" screamed Harley. "This was meant to be a beautiful day, and you were going to ruin all that by blowing up people and trying to kill the Bat?! I'm meant to be the center of attention for once, not him! This day is about you and me, and has nothing to do with a caped freak!"

"I thought it would be a perfect way to celebrate us," he replied. "We both love explosions, baby…"

"Listen to me very carefully, Mr. J," hissed Harley, seizing him by the bowtie and dragging him towards her. "We are going to go through with this wedding! I've worked too hard and lost too much sleep over it to let you ruin it! We are going to be smiling and happy and joyful and it's going to be a magical, beautiful, perfect day, you get me?!"

"But pooh bear, it's no joke without Batman!" he said.

"Our wedding is not a joke!" screeched Harley. "It's the most serious, reverent, and wonderful day of our lives, and you're going to act like it! So wipe that smile off your face, Clown, get back up there and wait for the guests to arrive, and then stand by the altar and wait for me, or it won't be funny!"

"Oooh, I like the threats, Harl!" he murmured, grinning. "If you did want one last quick illegitimate romp, I'm certainly in the mood!"

Harley slapped him and stormed back upstairs, slamming the door to the vestibule. He shrugged and returned to the church, where Ivy was wearing Two-Face's jacket and Selina clutched Crane's coat to her. They both glared at him as he entered.

"You two had better put some clothes on," said Joker. "The guests will be here soon, and the wedding won't wait. Harvey, you ok to be best man?"

"I'll be needing my jacket back…" began Two-Face.

"In a second," snapped Ivy. "You can come collect it after we're dressed, jerk."

"You're still going through with this even without Batman?" asked Crane, surprised.

"It would be a shame to waste the cake, Johnny," retorted Joker. "And I'm sure I can still think of a good joke before the ceremony ends, since Batsy's thrown a wrench in the works. I'm a guy who likes a challenge, after all."

But as the guests arrived and seated themselves, and the music started, and Harley walked down the aisle with Ivy and Selina following behind her, no good jokes came to him. Harley stood opposite him, glaring at him, as the priest began speaking.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Do you, Joker, take Harley Quinn to be your wife, to love her, to honor her, to comfort her, and to keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

"Sure, why not?" replied Joker, grinning at her. She didn't grin back, and the hatred in her eyes seemed to deepen.

"And do you, Harley Quinn, take the Joker to be your husband, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, for as long as you both shall live?"

"Forsaking all others," murmured Harley to herself, glaring daggers at Joker.

"Miss Quinn? Was that a yes?" asked the priest.

"It was an observation," she snapped. "And the answer to your question is no, I don't take him, because he's a liar, a horrible, filthy liar! He ain't gonna love me or cherish me or forsake all others for me, because he never has! He always puts someone else before me! The Joker will never be married until gay marriage is legalized in Gotham and he can marry that freak in a flying rodent costume, which is the only other person he really loves besides himself!"

She threw her bouquet into his face and then rushed from the church, sobbing. "Harley…" murmured Joker, staring after her in the stunned silence which followed.

Then Ivy started laughing. "Oh, way to go, Harley!" she giggled. "Not only did she save me the trouble of ruining the wedding, which I was going to do anyway, not only did she leave you standing at the altar, but best of all, she just outed you, J, in front of everyone! It's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

"It's not funny!" shouted Joker, suddenly furious. "Nothing about today is funny! But it's still gonna end with a blast, god dammit!"

"Run!" shouted Two-Face, grabbing Ivy's arm, as they and the other supercriminals rushed after Joker out of the church. A second later, the building exploded in a blaze of light, sending shards of rubble flying everywhere.

"J, what the hell did you…J? J?" asked Ivy, looking around. "He's gone."

"Think he probably doesn't really wanna see anyone right now, Pam, least of all you," retorted Two-Face.

"I must say, I'm shocked Harley was the one who ruined the wedding," said Selina. "I had my money on J from the beginning."

"I think we all did," agreed Crane.

"Do you think Harley's ok?" asked Selina.

"Oh, she'll be fine, now that she's dumped the clown," retorted Ivy.

Two-Face stared at the remains of the church and suddenly laughed. "What's so funny?" asked Crane.

"All that stuff J was saying last night about comedy coming from the unexpected," he replied. "This was all certainly unexpected. And really funny. J should be proud of Harley – she managed to pull off a real killer joke."

"I don't think pride is exactly what he's feeling right now," retorted Crane. "I fear for Harley's welfare."

"She'll be fine – she can handle herself against him," repeated Ivy. "And it wasn't a total loss. At least we get to keep the dresses, Selina."

"And I've got the rings," said Two-Face, reaching into his jacket. "They're probably worth something. Look, I'm starving, and we're not gonna get fed at the reception anymore, so why don't we all go out for some dinner and drinks on Harley and J?"

"I'm sure it's what they would want," replied Ivy, grinning. "We can all drink a toast to the happy couple. And thank God they'll never, in a million years, be Mr. and Mrs. J."


	6. Chapter 6

"Harley?" called Joker, as he returned to their hideout later. "Harley, are you here? Harl…"

He entered their bedroom and murmured, "Oh."

The walls of the room were covered in blood, which read: _Die, Batsy, die! I hate Batman! Death to the Dork Knight! All the Bat's fault! _Everything to do with Batman in the hideout had been broken or maligned or scribbled on, and in the center of the destruction stood Harley, calmly packing a suitcase.

She glared as he entered. "I don't really wanna talk to you," she muttered. "Except to say you can have your stupid ring back!"

She threw the grenade pin at him. "And I can't imagine you want to talk to me after I humiliated you today," she snapped.

"You didn't humiliate me, sweets, it was a great gag," he said, smiling. "Completely unexpected by everyone. Funny stuff. I was proud of you, really."

She didn't respond, but continued packing. "You going somewhere, baby?" he asked gently.

"I was packing for our honeymoon at Niagra Falls," she muttered. "But I guess we ain't going now. So I'm packing my things to leave you, once and for all."

"Pumpkin, you don't mean that…" he began.

"I do mean it!" she snapped. "I always mean what I say! I'm not the one who makes jokes all the time, you and your goddamn jokes ruining everything…"

"Cupcake…" he began, starting forward to hug her, but she stepped back.

"Don't touch me!" she hissed. "I don't wanna have anything to do with you anymore, Mr. J! You ruined our special day!"

"Actually, I think you'll find you ruined our special day," he retorted. "I was prepared to go through with the ceremony."

"What would have been the point?" she demanded. "The day was already ruined! Red was right – everyone was right! We just don't work as a couple! It's the Joker and Batman, not the Joker and Harley Quinn! I just need to wake up and accept that!"

"Pooh, you know how I feel about Batman," he replied. "I've told you there's a special relationship between a guy and his nemesis. It's nothing to be jealous about – he's just important to me. I wanted him at my wedding. I don't see how that's any different to you wanting Ivy or Selina at our wedding."

"Because I didn't base our wedding around Ivy and Selina!" shrieked Harley. "I didn't do it as one big joke for them! You just don't get it, Mr. J!"

He sighed and sat down in a chair as Harley continued to pack. "Why is this so important to you, Harley?" he asked, quietly. "This whole wedding thing. Why is it such a big deal?"

"The fact that you have to ask that proves you just don't care about me," she retorted.

"No, it doesn't," he retorted. "I don't see what a fancy ceremony with some old guy muttering words over us, and flowers and cake and all that jazz has to do with my feelings for you. It's all nonsense. I've always thought of weddings as big jokes, pooh. Huge waste of time and money and energy and effort, and for what? Something that really doesn't mean anything when you think about it. Some stupid ritual, a formality, which mostly ends in divorce these days anyway. It's all just a farce, a farce that deserves to be laughed at. I don't understand why something so silly has so much meaning to you."

"Well, I know how seriously you take your jokes, so I don't see any reason why I shouldn't take mine seriously," retorted Harley.

"But Harley, it doesn't have anything to do with us," he replied. "I mean, all that fancy crap, all those solemn vows, and speeches and formality, that ain't for us. I don't care about legitimizing us, that ain't for some guy in a church, or anyone else, to do. We don't need to be legitimate. We ain't got anything to prove to the world or anyone else. We don't need to be married because we're already together. That's how I feel anyway."

Harley had paused in her packing. "See, the thing is, sweets," he murmured, softly. "The thing is, you're already Mrs. J to me, and you always will be. Because you're my personal ball and chain, my little trouble and strife, my special little Harley girl. And you are special to me, pooh. I don't need some guy telling me you're my wife to prove that. You don't need to be my wife because you're already something better. You're my Harley. And she's always been enough for me, just the way she is."

"Mr. J…" she murmured.

"Harvey called me a lucky guy last night," he interrupted. "And earlier today, when I was fuming about Bat…"

"Don't say his name," snapped Harley.

"When I was fuming about…my plans being foiled at the last minute, and I was angry and cursing…the man responsible, and then I saw you in your wedding dress…and I suddenly forgot all about my joke, all about how it was spoiled, and all about him. In that instant, I just felt lucky. Not because I was going to marry you, but because you were mine. And you are mine. And you always will be mine, won't you, pooh?" he asked, gently.

Harley was gazing at him with tears in her eyes. "Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped. "Oh, Mr. J!" she cried, leaping into his arms. "Oh, Mr. J, I love you! I love you so much! Of course I'm yours, and always will be yours, forever and ever, your little Harley girl! Oh, puddin'!"

He kissed her tenderly. "Now I know we can't make Niagra Falls, baby, but maybe I can think up a few equally exciting ideas for our wedding night," he murmured, grinning.

"Yeah? Whaddya have in mind, Mr. J?" she breathed.

"Well, I thought with Batsy out of town, we could blow up a couple buildings!" he exclaimed, beaming. "I mean, with him gone, Gotham's our playground, kiddo! We can run riot! Do whatever we want! Go crazy!"

"Oh…yeah, that might be fun, Mr. J, she murmured, slightly disappointed.

"And then afterwards, we can come back here, and Daddy can rev up his Harley," he added, smiling at her. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Yeah, puddin'," she breathed, smiling.

"Then go grab your hammer, kid," he said, kissing her. "It's gonna be a wild night!"

Harley squeaked happily and ran out of the room. She returned a few minutes later, fully made up and clutching her hammer. "Wanna go spread some laughter, Mr. J?" she smiled.

"You took the words right outta my mouth, Mrs. J," he said, grinning. "Shall we, my dear?" he said, holding out his arm.

She took it, beaming, and they rushed out into the darkness laughing together, a truly happy couple.

**The End**


End file.
